WHAT A MESSED UP DAY!

So today has been messed up. I cannot believe what has happened.


Today it was brought to my attention that my ex-husband has been arrested. Not a good day at all. If anyone read my last post I explained his health problems...Well going back to jail isn't the best option for his health, but reality is he's going back. It scares me because he's never coming back out, it's hard to say that but it's happening. I feel so bad, so freaking bad it's not even funny. He is never going to see his son again, and that upsets me. I don't know what I would do without Sophia in my life, she is my absolute everything.

I love Michael to death and only wish that I could take his pain away. Even after everything has happened I don't wish death upon anybody. I was married to him, he was my husband. But beyond all of that I grew up with him, I remember playing outside my parents house on Five Mile with him. Coming home from school and seeing him sitting in his little room that was near the bathroom. I remember him reading to me. I remember Jimmy and him coming home with Mohawks (man they were crazy lol.) I remember when he came out to Pennsylvania to make a new start...Us shoveling snow when we had that horrible blizzard in 1995 there were the two of us shoveling the driveway together while Sean got to play out in the snow...Who ever thought that we would be husband and wife for a little while in time....I am just so upset that there can be no more memories and I don't know if I can ever let go I really don't know...All of this is bringing me down and I don't want to be down. I've been very happy lately and I just don't want to have to grieve again. I think my problem is that I let too much of this stuff control my mind for so long that it's trying to creep it's way right back and my mind is fighting it off. I don't want to have to go through what I went through the first time..that was hard enough.


I just wish that things in this world could be different. That people weren't bad and didn't do bad things. I wish that people could understand limits. And consequences, know what the right and wrong thing is. And honesty, why can't people be honest about the type of person that they are or want to be...sometimes it's easier to come out and say the way it is instead of trying to be someone that you are not.


I have a lot to get off my chest in therapy next week, wow that's going to be a monsterous session in itself lol...

It's October..my last post was in July!!

So it's been a long time....sigh...what a nightmare it has been for me...My "sickness" kind of got the best of me for awhile, I decided that I didn't need the meds and went off myself...what a mistake...ugh!!! So a lot has gone down...I mean a lot.

First off John and I are no longer together. There comes a point in your life where you have to assess the situation that you are in. That is exactly what I did..It wasn't the easiest thing to do, trust me because I did nothing but love John, I was very much in love with him. But I was in love with the hope that someday I could be his forever...that was not the case at all. John is a wonderful individual, who is very kind and caring and he is such a rock. But it all came down to what the both of us were looking for in a relationship and it wasn't at all the same thing....think on a whole "On the Other End of the Spectrum" ...yeah ouch let me tell you...I want Marriage, I want to have another child, I want a family...I wasn't going to get that from him and I'm not mad about that I understand that the situation he was in, he was very apprehensive about taking that plunge again ever...But I didn't deal with someone cheating on me...Michael and me just couldn't be together because of his past and the actions that he displayed when we were together. I loved Michael to death and would have done anything for that man...he was the only man in my whole entire life that i loved like that...

But anyways John and I are going to try to remain friends, it's just hard at this point. I think that there is a lot of pent up anger from both of us regarding the breakup. I broke up John at my lowest..at that point I knew that I had to focus on myself and to really get what I wanted...it didn't work to my advantage but that is ok...I have come to the realization that it isn't the end of the world...John was there for me when I needed it the most and I will cherish the memories I have of him...

During all of this I found out some heartbreaking news. My ex-husband was diagnosed with Emphysema and Tuberculosis (dormant). I about fell apart when I found out, the first thing I did was start crying. I'm not a heartless bitch, I do have feelings and although Michael and my relationship ended badly I do still love him. God was that hard..I was in a fog for weeks because I was torn up about the news of his health...I pulled out our wedding photos just to remember happy times...we had some awesome times together, he was a person that would do anything for me, he loved me unconditionally. We had a relationship that was rare, it didn't matter what had happened in the past (the both of us were deemed Screw Ups) we were just worried about the then and now. I was just so beside myself that the man I married and was so in love with, is dieing...and that is so heartbreaking..All the bad things fly right out of your mind when you find out things like what I did..I started doing some writing therapy and actually wrote a Dear Michael letter about how I felt at that time...I think that is when is started to see I was in trouble and started to attending meetings for emotionally abused women.

Let me tell you something, it has been a learning experience. I have let out a lot of skeletons in my closet and I am so happy that I finally let them out. It was like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. From all of this I have released a lot of pent up anger and frustration and sense of failure and remorse and regret...I have cried more in the last month than I have in a long time..but you know what the crying helps it really helps I didn't think that it would ever help but it does..I am so happy that I finally decided to go...

I am at a point in my life where I had a huge fall of the bandwagon, but I'm right back on it again. I had to do a lot of running to catch up with it, but I finally made it back on...I am glad that I experienced all of the things I have in last couple of months because I have grown from this. I have learned that in order to get what you want you have to voice your opinion, it's not about making everybody else happy it's about making yourself happy. I am not someones dishrag...I am human being and I deserve to be treated like one, actually like a respectable woman because that is what I am. I have learned not to trust people so much unless they have already proved their trustworthiness, I don't want to be a pushover anymore...I want people to understand that my friendship is a gift...And most of all I want the one that I my heart with to want the same things that I want...I don't want another dead end...I have had too many of them...

So that is about it for now....I am going to keep more on this so that I can keep everybody up to date...

I know REALLLLLLLY Long Time lol

So it's been about a month or so since I posted. Life has been a rollercoaster the last couple of weeks. Not anything bad, but going into the summer months and trying to get Sophia ready for Pennsylvania and trying to get myself in order it's been hectic.

So first and foremost, Larry and Melissa's wedding went off without a hitch. I was sooo happy that Melissa included me in helping her with stuff for the wedding. So all the girls were together on Friday night, it was my Mom, Grandma, Kellie, Christine, Melissa, Andy, Sean, Sophia and myself. We had a blast I bought some alcohol for the festivities since it was Melissa last night of bachelorettism, it was awesome. I made her malibu, cranberry, and orange juice drinks (Kellie tried some of it, but we have all come to the conclusion that she is just not a drinker she's tried every drink I have she will NEVER be a wine drinker lol). And I also bought Champagne for my Mom and me (we haven't had a drink together ever so I got to drink with her, kinda spiked hers a little (I swear I didn't mean it lol)) and we had mimosas yummo!! (A little Rachael Ray for all of you R.Ray lovers out there) And we talked and had a lot of fun. I got to hang out with my brother Sean a lot and I was so happy about that. I love him to death even if he is a royal pain in my arse he's my brother. It was a great night. So then the next day which was the big day I took Melissa to get a manicure while I got a Aromatherapy Pedicure, I sure needed that it was nice to get pampered, the two Mommies of 2 young children we really deserved it lol. And then I went to the Yacht Club where they were getting married to drop off stuff and then we came home to get ready. I was really excited because Melissa let me do her makeup and hair (can you believe it???) she looked beautiful and the curls stayed in for a long time. I also did Sophia's hair, in little rows with Butterfly clips, she looked so beautiful and even had a wardrobe change after the ceremony she was the stylish Flower Girl lol. Now do you really think Grandma Betty and Mommy didn't want her to look absoultely adorable??? And then after all of that I had to rush to get ready lol...They were yelling at me to get ready because I was taking to long...I was like Listen Peoples I just did the brides and flower girls hair cut me some slack lol... But we got to the Yacht Club on time and they had a beautiful ceremony outside and then a really fun reception inside. All in all the day went well.


Sophia's Hair

Brandon and Sophia

The Happy Couple :) Melissa and Larry

So now that the wedding is over, everything has gone back to normal. I am bowling Wednesday nights with Melissa, Andy and Kellie. We have an awesome time because it is family, now if I could just get back into the groove I'd be doing good :)

Besides that on the homefront everything is still going good between John and Me. We are going to be celebrating our 1 year anniversary next week. It's amazing where the time goes, it has been amazing so far. I mean we meet, fall in love, go to Mexico and are still together :) He has been there for me through out it all. Especially with the divorce with my ex-husband and the case going on with that. He is truly my rock, and I can cry on his shoulder and he just rubs my back while he holds me and says "it's going to be alright Baby I am here for you, I'm not going anywhere." He makes me feel so special, and we are starting to plan our next vacation I'm very excited :) We are going to go to Las Vegas, it should be awesome. We have been talking about how we met the last 2 weeks and how we felt when we first met. It was so nice to hear the things he told me and it made me feel so special to be a part of his life. John is truly amazing people the most amazing man alive and he is all mine :) I don't think I have ever loved a man as much as I love him and it is true love real true love it takes me breath away just thinking about it...sigh... I truly feel in my mind and heart he is the one and I have told him this, that I believe that he is my soulmate. I am just so in love with this man, I don't think I'd ever be able to describe in words.

Besides that my emotional state is excellent. The doctor says I'm doing wonderful :) I crossed a lot of unwalked paths the last couple of months. Anger that I needed to get out, I didn't know how much I had rooted up inside of me. My friend Jodie is one of the number one people besides my Mom and John that has helped me through all of this. Jodie has been down the same road as me and it is very nice to have a support system there. I didn't realize how uplifiting it would be to get out what had been going on in my body for so long. I mean one of the biggest things was my biological fathers death and all the crap that went along with it. For so long I had to live in the "image" of my father and it a way it really wrecked me. I finally understand that I am Jessica, and not Vincent and I have done far more in my life in the past 2 years than he had done all the time that he was alive. I mean I miss him and still love him dearly, but there is a time in life that you need to move on with life and this was one of the major things. He's dead, end of story, end of discussion. There is no reason to rehash things that can't change, it's been 21 years he isn't going to come walking down the street one day saying "Hey Jessica I missed you." There is no reason to live with that hope when you know it won't happen. I am in the now and present. I have a wonderful father Bill that took me in as his own when I was 7 years old. He loved me as his own, you can't say that for a lot of people out there. But he treated me like I was his flesh and blood and now according to public records in Connecticut he is my father. I pushed for that after my parents got married. I wanted to be a Tyler too. I thank god every day that my Mom met him and married him.

There were other issues too of people in my family trying to get me introuble for stupid things. I just don't understand how grown adults could be so petty. Listen I tell my mother and grandmother and immediate family everything. We are very close, no matter what reaction it is I tell them everything that is going on in my life. That is just how it is, I would rather them know upfront then have to find out a different way. I am a strong independent single mother, and I have worked my ass off to get where I am today. It took a lot of blood sweat and tears, but you know what people, I'm making it. I tell myself everyday, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger". I have been through a terrifying rollercoaster the past 6 years of my life, and I can finally sit at the top of the hill and say "I made it". And yes I had some help but I'm not ashamed to admit it or thank those people who helped make my evolution possible. My grandmother and mother are a big part of that, they are truly amazing women and they have given me such great advice about life that has made me who I am today. I love them both very very very much. I am a WOMAN, not 10 years old anymore. There is a point in life where you have to grow up and worry about yourself and that is me now.

Besides that nothing is really going on. I am taking Sophia and Grandma down to Pennsylvania on Saturday with Andy, I am excited to see my family. It is always nice :) And then my birthday is in a couple of weeks too, not that I am looking forward to 27, that's 3 years to 30 aaaahhh! Well I will sign off for now....Feel free to leave comments I love getting them :)

Wow

So it's been a long time since I've been on here telling everybody how I am. Well everybody, silence please lol, I am actually doing great!! The medicine is really helping me and I feel 80% better than I did. I did start talking to someone openly about everything and that seems to really be helping me a lot.

Besides that everything is going great with John and me. I have been able to spend more time with his children and that in itself has been great therapy. John is such a wonderful man and has stood by my side through all of this and that is a real first. He really put up with the mood swings and the crying and the depression really well. He just held my hand the whole way and said it's going to be alright baby. I am so happy that he is such a big part of my life, I really don't know where I would be without him. Loving him and him loving me comes so easily for us, I am really blessed that he was brought into my life, I don't know what I would do without him. My parents love him, which in itself it's something wonderful, and my Grandma and Sophia love him to pieces. He has really turned my life around, I didn't think in the 26 years I have been on this earth that I would find a man as great as John. He treats me like a princess, I always feel so surrounded by love when I am with him it's like we were meant to be together. And I know in my heart that we belong together, he really is the person (besides Sophia) that makes me smile everyday. I just had to learn how to act with someone that is willing to help you out and take care of you, I was never used to that because I was always used in my relationships and they were emotionally abusive towards me. I never thought that I had a self worth with them, one of them actually told me that I was trailer trash. That is why I am so happy with my life right now. I have the most wonderful child anybody could ever ask for (she's the apple of my eye) and wonderful family who supports me through everything, my mother really has been a driving force in my life. No matter what has happened in the past or what mistakes I might have made I know that she loves me unconditionally and I can go to her and say, "Mom I'm being stupid help me." She has really taught me in John and my relationship how to take it slow, and just let time do what it is supposed to. And through my depression she has been there for me, I love my mom to death and she is truly my best friend, I mean who can you trust more than your Mom. I want to always have that relationship with her because if it wasn't for her I wouldn't be in this world right now lol.

But besides that we are getting ready for Melissa and Larry's wedding after 18 years, yeah that is right 18 years and they are finally tieing the knot. I am so happy for both of them and Melissa looks like she's glowing somewhat. It has been really fun helping her out with stuff for the wedding, I got to go to the cake tasting...yummy we were about to vomit after trying all of the cakes, but we had a lot of fun. and her bachelorette party that was fun too. So this Saturday is the big day for them and I am so excited. My mom and brother are coming up and I'm going to see family that I haven't seen in ages...well not that long, but still it seems like an eternity. John will be there with me so that I can show him off :) But that's about it....that is what is going on my life...

THERE'S A LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL

So I finally went to the doctors again to get my medicine changed....what a relief I'm now on Lexapro so I hope that this works...my anxiety was getting really bad I about flipped out today one of my friends had to calm me down and that's when I called the doctor.

I have been having some major problems, it's just not even funny. Constantly in a dark fog and crying...I have so much pent up pain from a lot of things. My doctor wants me to go see someone like a therapist and talk to them, so I'm starting to research that..

But there is finally a light at the end of tunnel and am crossing my fingers that this stuff works...

A lot of changes and wows!

So I haven't been on in about a week or so, a lot of things have been happening. First off I had a migraine for a total 0f 5 days, yeah 5 days. Just thinking about it is making my head hurt. I went to the doctor who told me I had a sinus infection and that was what was causing the migraines so he gave me good medicine. So I went to work Wednesday and the migraine was still there, I figured I would give in another day so that the medicine would work. Well Thursday came and no change and it got worse. So I had to go to the ER, what a lovely trip that was. They ended up giving me stuff with Narcotics in it that literally knocked me on my ass. I am happy to say that the migraine is gone and all that is left is the soreness of it. Like my neck and my eyes (the muscles keep twitching every once in awhile.)

But besides that on to bigger news. Everybody knows how much trouble I was having with my ex-husband Michael and I had to go the police to have charges put against him. Well this was last September right after the divorce. Well the Town Of Darien has had an arrest warrant out on him since. And low and behold he went and got himself into trouble last Wednesday causing his own arrest. Well know he is incarcerated, yet again, and now they will finally be able to serve him with the arrest warrant for my stuff. When I found out, I had kind of mixed emotions, you know in a way you feel bad that you are causing all of this, but then I thought "Jessica snap the heck out of it, look what he did to you for all of those months...duh!!"

But anyways just thought i'd give you an update. I will know more next Wed. when he is "officially" served at his trial for his other charge.

Down Down Down

So as much as my life is going great and I have a wonderful boyfriend and child it is hard sometimes to stay out of my depression. This Monday until now I have been in a foul mood. Even though there is nothing to be upset about I think it's just the inner workings of Jessica.

Work is very busy which keeps my mind off of things, but once I go on my breaks I sit and cry for no apparent reason. I look at pictures of John and me and cry. I just cannot stop crying when I'm alone, I don't know why either. It is kind of scaring me and I don't know why. It's not like I'm pregnant or anything because that would be a miracle within itself since John and I can't have kids. And I'm so over my divorce it's not even funny. I'm just starting to get agitated with myself why I am so down in the dumps.

I have been waking up the last couple of mornings so nauseated it isn't even funny. So bad that I have to sit down for a second before getting ready for work. I don't know why I am feeling so sick to my stomach. I just wish that I could find out the reason why I am acting like this so that I can get myself out of this funk.

Any suggestions?

Just Checking In

So it's been awhile since I've written, about a week now. Just trying to get back into the daily grind. I went and picked Sophia up on Saturday along with my Grandmother. I am still feeling Mexico in my head, what a beautiful place. It brought John and me so close together.

We miss each other so much after being together for that whole entire week, god I just can't thank him enough for taking me there. It by far was one of the greatest vacations I have ever had. I love him so much it isn't even funny and the greatest thing is that he loves me back. I never thought I'd hear it but it happened, I finally just came right out and said it and he said it back, what a relief lol.

I am so happy right now with my life, and with Sophia and with him. I love John in a way that I have never loved anybody before and I think that is mainly because I have never had anybody treat me the way that John treats me. It is absolutely amazing how great he is. Sophia just adores him and she got to see him tonight and was so excited, I have never seen her like that before with anybody else. My life is finally on it's way up instead of down and I cannot be more happy about it. I thank my lucky stars every day that I have him as a boyfriend, and maybe one day it will be something more. But for right now I am happy the way that it is, I am very content very very content.

Well that's all for now.

I'm Home!

Sooo...Mexico was absolutely the most awesome vacation I've ever been on!!! We stayed in Playa Del Carmen at the Riu Yucatan for 5 nights 6 days. It was absolutely the most amazing vacation. I got to spend some much needed alone time with my honey. And let me tell you it was so romantic, Mexico is by far one of the most romantic places. Just laying with my honey at the beach and soaking up some rays.

We were together day and night and neither one of us seemed to mind at all. Never fought once, it's like we just get along so freaking well. We spent the first 3 days just tooling around Playa, spent some time at the beach, walked around the town and went swimming. On Thursday we caught a boat to Cozumel which was absolutely beautiful. John rented a Moped (I was scared shitless), and we drove around the island. It isn't that big so it doesn't take that long to get around. We toured a Tequila factory and learned about the making of Tequila and then taste tested some of them. We also ate a waterfront resturant and I had the best Ceviche ever created. We left about 8:30 that night and spent the rest of the night drinking and being in love.

On Friday we went on an excursion to the Tulum Ruins and to a live day Mayan Village. It was by far the most interesting thing I had ever done. We had so much fun snorkeling in the cenotes and ziplining. And on Saturday we had to come home as much as I didn't want to. Being with John is absolutely amazing, he is one of the most loving individuals alive. I cannot thank him enough for coming into my life and making me his girlfriend I am truly the most happiest girl on the planet. Here are some of the pictures from our trip!

Almost Here

So it's almost Friday, which means my last day at work for a week! I'm so excited because Mexico is not that far away. I cannot wait to spend some much needed alone time with John.

I am very very excited I finally sat down and packed all my crap. Do you realize I had to get everything into a carry on bag?? John felt it would be best, but all I have to say is that he is not a woman so he doesn't know lol.

But anyways the next couple of days are crazy so I probably won't be on until after my vaca. Love you all!!

Valentine's Day

So I got to spend part of Valentine's Day with my baby. We went for a "couple" personal training session this morning, yeah it sounds so fun doesn't it?? I do have to tell you that I have spaghetti legs right now, she worked us hard, but it was nice I feel great and my head is clear.

We exchanged presents today and I got the most beautiful presents, white roses and the most beautiful earrings in the world. He also gave me a card that made me cry. I am so happy to have him in my life. I am posting the picks to share with you all!! I love him so much it hurts!!

Up and Down

So okay I seem to overreact lately. I think something is so wrong and there is nothing wrong at all. My feelings have been justified and I'm happy.

I think with everything going on I just lose it sometimes. I've gone through a lot in the last year or so. And it took a good friend of mine to finally wake me up and see that. I had a really horrible divorce and along with a really horrible marriage. On top of that all he did was harass me which is never a fun thing to deal with. I finally came to the realization that everything has to take it's time in life. If you rush into something you are going to end up hurting yourself and the people around you. I guess I was just wishing for instant gratification on things that can't come as quickly as we would like, like love for instance. I know John is in love with me and I am in love with him too. It's a new kind of love, something I've never experience before in my life. I have a deeper understanding now than I did before.

There are people that take advantage of you, and those are the type of people that I used to associate myself with. Shit friends that were nice to your face and then three seconds later couldn't wait to tell the whole world your business. I can't deal with that and that is basically why I stick to my family, because if you can't trust anybody else you can trust your family. I mean everybody talks and bitches, but hey family is family they are there for life. I am very fortunate in my life to have the people that I do. My mother is a constant guide in my life, I go to her for advice all of the time, even when i don't listen to her. Because in the end as much as I hate to admit it she's right. She's been down my path before, married to an addict and divorcing him. I went through the same thing and through it all she was there for me as much as she was pissed off at me for even thinking about marrying him. I tried and it didn't work out, but it's alright you live and you learn right?

I've done a lot of learning in the past couple of months. I've developed into an adult, I think about my actions before I even act upon them. I am very aware of my surroundings, and I don't let people take advantage of me anymore. I think that is mostly due to John, he has shown me that there are real people that are there to care about you, like him. When we have our deep talks I love listening to him speak, it's amazing the knowledge he has about all sorts of things. He is truly an amazing person and that is one of the many reasons why I love him so much. He tells me that I deserve more than what I had before. And he is the reason why my life is so happy. I don't have to worry about drama. One thing is I never have to worry about his temper, he is so laid back, he doesn't flip out it's a really nice change.

But I think my constant oh shit I'm stupid moments are because I am afraid that I will lose John. Because he's the best thing that has happened to me in a long time, I am scared. I am scared of the relationship because I've never been in something so normal before in my life. I'm used to rushing into things and then things blowing up in my face. And this is nothing like that. He has helped me respect myself and love myself. I have never been able to do that before, I mean he tells me all the time how beautiful I am. That is so amazing to hear because I never used to hear that. That's why I keep saying he's an amazing man.

So Mexico is happening in a week, and I'm so freaking excited for it. This is my first real vacation in a very long time, geez since Nelson and I went to Las Vegas years ago. I am really excited because it will be the first really long stretch of alone time John and I will be having. And we are going to be in paradise, who could ask for anything more?? I am almost all set to go, but like the normal girly girl that I am I have to make sure that I have everything ready and planned. I bought a really sexy dress to wear for him along with a really cute bathing suit. I like to look good for him, I get myself all dolled up for him every time I see him.

But anyways off to bed because I think I've got a little virus and I want to nip it in the butt before anything major starts, I don't need to be getting sick right before Mexico, I will be one unhappy girl.

Night

So Tonight Is Not a Good Night

I don't know I'm in a foul mood. I have been in this mood since last night, I am just pissy. I don't know what the hell is wrong. The lines of communication in my relationship I don't believe are totally 100% going back and forth.

I am starting to think that maybe I fell to deeply to quick and it's all starting to surface that maybe my heart moved to fast. It hurts I am so freaking in love with this man, and as much as I know that he likes me a lot and is happy with me, I don't think that he is at that level. It really hurts me too because I have 100 percent fallen for him. I mean I know we are going away and we are going to be alone and a lot might come out then you, but I still don't think he's at my level. I just hope this doesn't lead down a one way street to nowhere, I will be totally pissed. I've put a lot into this relationship and had a lot of temptation and didn't do anything because in my heart it was "Take a chance Jessica." And that's exactly what I've done. I've told him time and time again that I'm not used to having an open breathing relationship where I have space to myself, and he used to say don't worry I'm not going anywhere.

But god damn it I'm scared. And I'm probably over analyzing again, but this is what happens when you take yourself off your meds because you can't afford them. All I have been is f***ing depressed the last couple of days. I basically bit his head off yesterday, but it wasn't about him. Maybe I should have just told him that I was upset at him. I don't want him to think that I'm only thinking about myself, see that's how much of a bleeding freaking heart I am. I'm afraid to open up in fear of others feelings. UGH! I'm never going to learn!!

Mexico Here I Come

So it's about 2 1/2 weeks away and I will be in Mexico...I'm so freaking excited it's not even funny. I am trying to get some major stuff done before hand. Like buying some new threads to take with me. My major dilemma right now is find a dress to bring down there so I can look all sexy for my baby.

Wednesday he came down and spent some time with me. I love when we get some alone time. He is just absolutely 100% wonderful to me. Constantly doing things for me and I'll say "Oh no you don't have to do that" and he says "you deserve it baby after all the assholes you've been with you deserve to be taken care of and treated wonderfully". It's just amazing what a real man can do. I don't want him to ever go anywhere he is truly special to me.

So last Saturday I got to meet his son Joey, what a cute kid he is. I was so nervous going into to it because you don't know how they are going to react towards you because it's Daddy's other "woman". It went very well, we went and picked him up at the Skateboard place that he goes to. What a little speed demon he is on his skateboard lol. He came up to me when John introduced me and he gave me a hug, it made all my nerves just leave. It's amazing how much of an impact kids have. I mean I was nervous John meeting Sophia but she loves him. A couple of weeks ago John took us out to eat and I had to go to Walmart to buy her diapers, so Sophia knew that we were going and looks at John with this cute face and says "John you wanna go to Walmart with me and Mommy" it was so cute!! Now what is even funnier is that Sophia looks at Walmart like it's freaking Disney World so many things for her to see and want lol. And then when we got home from Walmart she announced that the new "DDD" that she got she was watching in Mommy's room. So John and her and I came upstairs to my room and she asked for juice. Well when I got back they were both on my bed and Sophia looked at me and said "Mommy go da way" I was like and where am I supposed to go? "My room Mommy, John and me are watching Mittey Mouse" it was so freaking adorable. Sophia has never been more comfortable with someone before in her life. It's like a sigh of relief.

But anyways that's about all for now, I'm going to go lay down. I have a headache the size of Texas from my Wisdom Teeth trying to come in.

OK A LOT BETTER

So okay I'm a lot better than I was in my last post. A lot has changed, I've stopped overreacting like the dunce that I am lol. Everything was alright after all, he is alright that I am opening up about things, I just make big mountains out of molehills.

But I was pretty nervous that night, I mean I just didn't know how it was all going to turn out and I sometimes should put my foot in my mouth. But oh well cie la vie. But besides that nothing else is going on here, trying to get ready to go away with John at the end of the month. We are going away to Playa Del Carmen...so excited. So I'm trying to get everything straightened out before hand.

Well just a quick update!!

I'm Here There Everywhere

God, right now I am in the worst depressive day of my god damn life. I don't know what the hell happened from jubilee me to Ms. Grinch. See the doctor has been on Wellbutrin to help me quit smoking which it did and it is supposed to take the depression and anxiety away also. While I've quit smoking I still think about it everyday and today I could light the biggest cigarette up and not give a flying F**k. Let me tell you how today is going. I dropped Sophia off this morning with Nelson and he started the day by pissing me off, telling me that he couldn't stop thinking about me. That annoys the shit out of me since he is Melanie and she is a nice and sweet person and no woman or man deserves to be hurt like that. I tried to shake it off and made my way up to see my Honey. When I first got there it was fine, we talked and cuddled for quite a long time.

Somehow we got into the conversation, which seems to be the norm lately about his ex-wife. While it doesn't bother me since I know I bitch about Nelson and Michael a lot it in a way bothers me. I try to be a good listener and keep my mouth shut. Well I kind of made it very clear today that I thought she was a Pig...anybody that does what she did is a bleeping pig. Now the reason I'm so down in the dumps is that as all the readers know I have been in love with John for quite sometime. I think at first it was puppy love, but this has progressed more than puppy love, this love hurts and I can't understand the feeling. I have never felt this feeling before I don't know what the hell is wrong all I know is that I love him more than anything its so scary.

So I sent him a message telling him that I am sorry that I was such a sour sport, I haven't slept that well for like 3 days and that they reason for this is that I couldn't figure out how to tell him something and that I know that I might make him pissed at me but it's hurting me keeping it inside and not being able to let it out. Now he called a little while ago, but I was talking to my best friend, he had to talk me down from the ledge because I was ready to jump and say I can't do this anymore. The reason that I am beating myself up over this is because I promised John about 2 months ago that we would take it slow and I basically lied and let my emotions fly like they had been. Now I am afraid he won't reciprocate that and I will be hurt, and that could happen tonight. My best friend Ken says I just have to let caution to the wind and let down the steel wall that has a brick wall behind it and let John in even thought it's been baring my freaking soul. But I'm still afraid of him saying "I'm just not that in to you". I know this is so freaking stupid since we are going to Playa del Carmen at the end of February and these feelings couldn't have come at a worse time since we aren't really going to see each other until we go on vacation I mean like spending the night together or anything.

But anyways I'm going to go sulk because I'm an asshole.

It's Been A Long Time

So I haven't been able to write in about a month because my computers hard drive decided to shit the bed at a very bad time, I lost all of Sophia's infant pictures and other really nice pictures. So I have to rebuild my collection from what other people have. Besides that everything is going really well. Christmas went very well, Sophia had a blast. I ended up having her for both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, which was big since Nelson usually has her on those days. We had a lot of fun together.

John and I are still together and going stronger than ever. He really makes me so happy and I do know from what he tells me that I make him happy in return. My cousin Amy had told me that if a guy is really into you he will tell you how he is feeling. Well thank god, he tells me how he is feeling all the time. Last Wednesday he swept me off of my feet, we were in my room just talking I had my head on his chest and he took my face into his hands and said "You are so beautiful" 2 times. I have never had anybody say it the way he did and mean it. And then he kept going, ah "My baby", that just makes me feel so good. And more exciting news were are planning our trip to Mexico for the end of February, I am so excited 5 days alone with my love it should be really fun. I am just really glad that I told a flying leap into mystery and went and met him that night in June, because it has all paid off in the end. He is such a handsome man, and so hard working. I brag about him all the time how I've never met anybody so excited about their work, he is so excited and it's so cool to listen to him. He owns a nursery in NY state, and it's just amazing, I can't even put it into work you all might think that I'm a dork because I think what my boyfriend does is interesting but I really do find it interesting. There is just something about this man that has had me hooked since day one and I'm telling you I don't want to let go besides Sophia he is my everything.

Besides that nothing really going on, work is going really good. Oh one big piece of news I quit smoking, now it's been about a week now, and the only way I was able to do it was that my primary care doctor had to put me on an antidepressant (I actually needed it for my mood swings besides the smoking cessation), but it worked about a 4 days after I started taking the medicine (the first day was horrible I felt like I was on a boat the whole day). I have noticed that I am a lot calmer now and don't get agitated that easily. The only thing that scares me is that I can't even get an ounce of mad, I want to feel the anger, I mean I get angry but not like it used to be it annoys me lol. But I think that is about it..I know it's been awhile so I wanted to update everybody!!