So it's been a long time....sigh...what a nightmare it has been for me...My "sickness" kind of got the best of me for awhile, I decided that I didn't need the meds and went off myself...what a mistake...ugh!!! So a lot has gone down...I mean a lot.
First off John and I are no longer together. There comes a point in your life where you have to assess the situation that you are in. That is exactly what I did..It wasn't the easiest thing to do, trust me because I did nothing but love John, I was very much in love with him. But I was in love with the hope that someday I could be his forever...that was not the case at all. John is a wonderful individual, who is very kind and caring and he is such a rock. But it all came down to what the both of us were looking for in a relationship and it wasn't at all the same thing....think on a whole "On the Other End of the Spectrum" ...yeah ouch let me tell you...I want Marriage, I want to have another child, I want a family...I wasn't going to get that from him and I'm not mad about that I understand that the situation he was in, he was very apprehensive about taking that plunge again ever...But I didn't deal with someone cheating on me...Michael and me just couldn't be together because of his past and the actions that he displayed when we were together. I loved Michael to death and would have done anything for that man...he was the only man in my whole entire life that i loved like that...
But anyways John and I are going to try to remain friends, it's just hard at this point. I think that there is a lot of pent up anger from both of us regarding the breakup. I broke up John at my lowest..at that point I knew that I had to focus on myself and to really get what I wanted...it didn't work to my advantage but that is ok...I have come to the realization that it isn't the end of the world...John was there for me when I needed it the most and I will cherish the memories I have of him...
During all of this I found out some heartbreaking news. My ex-husband was diagnosed with Emphysema and Tuberculosis (dormant). I about fell apart when I found out, the first thing I did was start crying. I'm not a heartless bitch, I do have feelings and although Michael and my relationship ended badly I do still love him. God was that hard..I was in a fog for weeks because I was torn up about the news of his health...I pulled out our wedding photos just to remember happy times...we had some awesome times together, he was a person that would do anything for me, he loved me unconditionally. We had a relationship that was rare, it didn't matter what had happened in the past (the both of us were deemed Screw Ups) we were just worried about the then and now. I was just so beside myself that the man I married and was so in love with, is dieing...and that is so heartbreaking..All the bad things fly right out of your mind when you find out things like what I did..I started doing some writing therapy and actually wrote a Dear Michael letter about how I felt at that time...I think that is when is started to see I was in trouble and started to attending meetings for emotionally abused women.
Let me tell you something, it has been a learning experience. I have let out a lot of skeletons in my closet and I am so happy that I finally let them out. It was like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. From all of this I have released a lot of pent up anger and frustration and sense of failure and remorse and regret...I have cried more in the last month than I have in a long time..but you know what the crying helps it really helps I didn't think that it would ever help but it does..I am so happy that I finally decided to go...
I am at a point in my life where I had a huge fall of the bandwagon, but I'm right back on it again. I had to do a lot of running to catch up with it, but I finally made it back on...I am glad that I experienced all of the things I have in last couple of months because I have grown from this. I have learned that in order to get what you want you have to voice your opinion, it's not about making everybody else happy it's about making yourself happy. I am not someones dishrag...I am human being and I deserve to be treated like one, actually like a respectable woman because that is what I am. I have learned not to trust people so much unless they have already proved their trustworthiness, I don't want to be a pushover anymore...I want people to understand that my friendship is a gift...And most of all I want the one that I my heart with to want the same things that I want...I don't want another dead end...I have had too many of them...
So that is about it for now....I am going to keep more on this so that I can keep everybody up to date...
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Oh Jess, it broke my heart to read your post. You've gone through so much. I suspected something was up, from your Facebook status, but didn't know it was that bad.
BUT... you sound like you have done some amazing work, and you sound strong and like you are on the right track. GOOD FOR YOU! There are so many people out there who take the easy route. I'm glad you fight for yourself and what you want. That is the most important thing in life... to be kind to ourselves and stand up for ourselves. It's sometimes easier to do that for other people than for ourselves. I'm glad you've gotten that turned around, or at least on the right track.
Did you decide to get back on your meds? I know what you mean about thinking you are okay and going off them. I've done that... twice. It's hard to admit you might have to be on them forever. I have to be. I am just not right without them. Whatever you decide, you know YOU, and will do what is right for you, I know.
Meanwhile, I have a little funny story for you... There's a girl who comes through the drivethru at the Starbucks where I work, and I swear she is your twin! She looks so much like you, it's scary. I told her that she looked like my cousin Jessica, and she was tickled. So now, every time I see her I call her "cuz," and she giggles. We have fun with it. Just thought you would get a kick out of that.
Love you. Take care of you, sweetie!
Your "cuz" Amy
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