WHAT A MESSED UP DAY!

So today has been messed up. I cannot believe what has happened.


Today it was brought to my attention that my ex-husband has been arrested. Not a good day at all. If anyone read my last post I explained his health problems...Well going back to jail isn't the best option for his health, but reality is he's going back. It scares me because he's never coming back out, it's hard to say that but it's happening. I feel so bad, so freaking bad it's not even funny. He is never going to see his son again, and that upsets me. I don't know what I would do without Sophia in my life, she is my absolute everything.

I love Michael to death and only wish that I could take his pain away. Even after everything has happened I don't wish death upon anybody. I was married to him, he was my husband. But beyond all of that I grew up with him, I remember playing outside my parents house on Five Mile with him. Coming home from school and seeing him sitting in his little room that was near the bathroom. I remember him reading to me. I remember Jimmy and him coming home with Mohawks (man they were crazy lol.) I remember when he came out to Pennsylvania to make a new start...Us shoveling snow when we had that horrible blizzard in 1995 there were the two of us shoveling the driveway together while Sean got to play out in the snow...Who ever thought that we would be husband and wife for a little while in time....I am just so upset that there can be no more memories and I don't know if I can ever let go I really don't know...All of this is bringing me down and I don't want to be down. I've been very happy lately and I just don't want to have to grieve again. I think my problem is that I let too much of this stuff control my mind for so long that it's trying to creep it's way right back and my mind is fighting it off. I don't want to have to go through what I went through the first time..that was hard enough.


I just wish that things in this world could be different. That people weren't bad and didn't do bad things. I wish that people could understand limits. And consequences, know what the right and wrong thing is. And honesty, why can't people be honest about the type of person that they are or want to be...sometimes it's easier to come out and say the way it is instead of trying to be someone that you are not.


I have a lot to get off my chest in therapy next week, wow that's going to be a monsterous session in itself lol...