God, right now I am in the worst depressive day of my god damn life. I don't know what the hell happened from jubilee me to Ms. Grinch. See the doctor has been on Wellbutrin to help me quit smoking which it did and it is supposed to take the depression and anxiety away also. While I've quit smoking I still think about it everyday and today I could light the biggest cigarette up and not give a flying F**k. Let me tell you how today is going. I dropped Sophia off this morning with Nelson and he started the day by pissing me off, telling me that he couldn't stop thinking about me. That annoys the shit out of me since he is Melanie and she is a nice and sweet person and no woman or man deserves to be hurt like that. I tried to shake it off and made my way up to see my Honey. When I first got there it was fine, we talked and cuddled for quite a long time.
Somehow we got into the conversation, which seems to be the norm lately about his ex-wife. While it doesn't bother me since I know I bitch about Nelson and Michael a lot it in a way bothers me. I try to be a good listener and keep my mouth shut. Well I kind of made it very clear today that I thought she was a Pig...anybody that does what she did is a bleeping pig. Now the reason I'm so down in the dumps is that as all the readers know I have been in love with John for quite sometime. I think at first it was puppy love, but this has progressed more than puppy love, this love hurts and I can't understand the feeling. I have never felt this feeling before I don't know what the hell is wrong all I know is that I love him more than anything its so scary.
So I sent him a message telling him that I am sorry that I was such a sour sport, I haven't slept that well for like 3 days and that they reason for this is that I couldn't figure out how to tell him something and that I know that I might make him pissed at me but it's hurting me keeping it inside and not being able to let it out. Now he called a little while ago, but I was talking to my best friend, he had to talk me down from the ledge because I was ready to jump and say I can't do this anymore. The reason that I am beating myself up over this is because I promised John about 2 months ago that we would take it slow and I basically lied and let my emotions fly like they had been. Now I am afraid he won't reciprocate that and I will be hurt, and that could happen tonight. My best friend Ken says I just have to let caution to the wind and let down the steel wall that has a brick wall behind it and let John in even thought it's been baring my freaking soul. But I'm still afraid of him saying "I'm just not that in to you". I know this is so freaking stupid since we are going to Playa del Carmen at the end of February and these feelings couldn't have come at a worse time since we aren't really going to see each other until we go on vacation I mean like spending the night together or anything.
But anyways I'm going to go sulk because I'm an asshole.
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