Up and Down

So okay I seem to overreact lately. I think something is so wrong and there is nothing wrong at all. My feelings have been justified and I'm happy.

I think with everything going on I just lose it sometimes. I've gone through a lot in the last year or so. And it took a good friend of mine to finally wake me up and see that. I had a really horrible divorce and along with a really horrible marriage. On top of that all he did was harass me which is never a fun thing to deal with. I finally came to the realization that everything has to take it's time in life. If you rush into something you are going to end up hurting yourself and the people around you. I guess I was just wishing for instant gratification on things that can't come as quickly as we would like, like love for instance. I know John is in love with me and I am in love with him too. It's a new kind of love, something I've never experience before in my life. I have a deeper understanding now than I did before.

There are people that take advantage of you, and those are the type of people that I used to associate myself with. Shit friends that were nice to your face and then three seconds later couldn't wait to tell the whole world your business. I can't deal with that and that is basically why I stick to my family, because if you can't trust anybody else you can trust your family. I mean everybody talks and bitches, but hey family is family they are there for life. I am very fortunate in my life to have the people that I do. My mother is a constant guide in my life, I go to her for advice all of the time, even when i don't listen to her. Because in the end as much as I hate to admit it she's right. She's been down my path before, married to an addict and divorcing him. I went through the same thing and through it all she was there for me as much as she was pissed off at me for even thinking about marrying him. I tried and it didn't work out, but it's alright you live and you learn right?

I've done a lot of learning in the past couple of months. I've developed into an adult, I think about my actions before I even act upon them. I am very aware of my surroundings, and I don't let people take advantage of me anymore. I think that is mostly due to John, he has shown me that there are real people that are there to care about you, like him. When we have our deep talks I love listening to him speak, it's amazing the knowledge he has about all sorts of things. He is truly an amazing person and that is one of the many reasons why I love him so much. He tells me that I deserve more than what I had before. And he is the reason why my life is so happy. I don't have to worry about drama. One thing is I never have to worry about his temper, he is so laid back, he doesn't flip out it's a really nice change.

But I think my constant oh shit I'm stupid moments are because I am afraid that I will lose John. Because he's the best thing that has happened to me in a long time, I am scared. I am scared of the relationship because I've never been in something so normal before in my life. I'm used to rushing into things and then things blowing up in my face. And this is nothing like that. He has helped me respect myself and love myself. I have never been able to do that before, I mean he tells me all the time how beautiful I am. That is so amazing to hear because I never used to hear that. That's why I keep saying he's an amazing man.

So Mexico is happening in a week, and I'm so freaking excited for it. This is my first real vacation in a very long time, geez since Nelson and I went to Las Vegas years ago. I am really excited because it will be the first really long stretch of alone time John and I will be having. And we are going to be in paradise, who could ask for anything more?? I am almost all set to go, but like the normal girly girl that I am I have to make sure that I have everything ready and planned. I bought a really sexy dress to wear for him along with a really cute bathing suit. I like to look good for him, I get myself all dolled up for him every time I see him.

But anyways off to bed because I think I've got a little virus and I want to nip it in the butt before anything major starts, I don't need to be getting sick right before Mexico, I will be one unhappy girl.

Night