WHAT A MESSED UP DAY!

So today has been messed up. I cannot believe what has happened.


Today it was brought to my attention that my ex-husband has been arrested. Not a good day at all. If anyone read my last post I explained his health problems...Well going back to jail isn't the best option for his health, but reality is he's going back. It scares me because he's never coming back out, it's hard to say that but it's happening. I feel so bad, so freaking bad it's not even funny. He is never going to see his son again, and that upsets me. I don't know what I would do without Sophia in my life, she is my absolute everything.

I love Michael to death and only wish that I could take his pain away. Even after everything has happened I don't wish death upon anybody. I was married to him, he was my husband. But beyond all of that I grew up with him, I remember playing outside my parents house on Five Mile with him. Coming home from school and seeing him sitting in his little room that was near the bathroom. I remember him reading to me. I remember Jimmy and him coming home with Mohawks (man they were crazy lol.) I remember when he came out to Pennsylvania to make a new start...Us shoveling snow when we had that horrible blizzard in 1995 there were the two of us shoveling the driveway together while Sean got to play out in the snow...Who ever thought that we would be husband and wife for a little while in time....I am just so upset that there can be no more memories and I don't know if I can ever let go I really don't know...All of this is bringing me down and I don't want to be down. I've been very happy lately and I just don't want to have to grieve again. I think my problem is that I let too much of this stuff control my mind for so long that it's trying to creep it's way right back and my mind is fighting it off. I don't want to have to go through what I went through the first time..that was hard enough.


I just wish that things in this world could be different. That people weren't bad and didn't do bad things. I wish that people could understand limits. And consequences, know what the right and wrong thing is. And honesty, why can't people be honest about the type of person that they are or want to be...sometimes it's easier to come out and say the way it is instead of trying to be someone that you are not.


I have a lot to get off my chest in therapy next week, wow that's going to be a monsterous session in itself lol...

It's October..my last post was in July!!

So it's been a long time....sigh...what a nightmare it has been for me...My "sickness" kind of got the best of me for awhile, I decided that I didn't need the meds and went off myself...what a mistake...ugh!!! So a lot has gone down...I mean a lot.

First off John and I are no longer together. There comes a point in your life where you have to assess the situation that you are in. That is exactly what I did..It wasn't the easiest thing to do, trust me because I did nothing but love John, I was very much in love with him. But I was in love with the hope that someday I could be his forever...that was not the case at all. John is a wonderful individual, who is very kind and caring and he is such a rock. But it all came down to what the both of us were looking for in a relationship and it wasn't at all the same thing....think on a whole "On the Other End of the Spectrum" ...yeah ouch let me tell you...I want Marriage, I want to have another child, I want a family...I wasn't going to get that from him and I'm not mad about that I understand that the situation he was in, he was very apprehensive about taking that plunge again ever...But I didn't deal with someone cheating on me...Michael and me just couldn't be together because of his past and the actions that he displayed when we were together. I loved Michael to death and would have done anything for that man...he was the only man in my whole entire life that i loved like that...

But anyways John and I are going to try to remain friends, it's just hard at this point. I think that there is a lot of pent up anger from both of us regarding the breakup. I broke up John at my lowest..at that point I knew that I had to focus on myself and to really get what I wanted...it didn't work to my advantage but that is ok...I have come to the realization that it isn't the end of the world...John was there for me when I needed it the most and I will cherish the memories I have of him...

During all of this I found out some heartbreaking news. My ex-husband was diagnosed with Emphysema and Tuberculosis (dormant). I about fell apart when I found out, the first thing I did was start crying. I'm not a heartless bitch, I do have feelings and although Michael and my relationship ended badly I do still love him. God was that hard..I was in a fog for weeks because I was torn up about the news of his health...I pulled out our wedding photos just to remember happy times...we had some awesome times together, he was a person that would do anything for me, he loved me unconditionally. We had a relationship that was rare, it didn't matter what had happened in the past (the both of us were deemed Screw Ups) we were just worried about the then and now. I was just so beside myself that the man I married and was so in love with, is dieing...and that is so heartbreaking..All the bad things fly right out of your mind when you find out things like what I did..I started doing some writing therapy and actually wrote a Dear Michael letter about how I felt at that time...I think that is when is started to see I was in trouble and started to attending meetings for emotionally abused women.

Let me tell you something, it has been a learning experience. I have let out a lot of skeletons in my closet and I am so happy that I finally let them out. It was like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. From all of this I have released a lot of pent up anger and frustration and sense of failure and remorse and regret...I have cried more in the last month than I have in a long time..but you know what the crying helps it really helps I didn't think that it would ever help but it does..I am so happy that I finally decided to go...

I am at a point in my life where I had a huge fall of the bandwagon, but I'm right back on it again. I had to do a lot of running to catch up with it, but I finally made it back on...I am glad that I experienced all of the things I have in last couple of months because I have grown from this. I have learned that in order to get what you want you have to voice your opinion, it's not about making everybody else happy it's about making yourself happy. I am not someones dishrag...I am human being and I deserve to be treated like one, actually like a respectable woman because that is what I am. I have learned not to trust people so much unless they have already proved their trustworthiness, I don't want to be a pushover anymore...I want people to understand that my friendship is a gift...And most of all I want the one that I my heart with to want the same things that I want...I don't want another dead end...I have had too many of them...

So that is about it for now....I am going to keep more on this so that I can keep everybody up to date...