Almost Here

So it's almost Friday, which means my last day at work for a week! I'm so excited because Mexico is not that far away. I cannot wait to spend some much needed alone time with John.

I am very very excited I finally sat down and packed all my crap. Do you realize I had to get everything into a carry on bag?? John felt it would be best, but all I have to say is that he is not a woman so he doesn't know lol.

But anyways the next couple of days are crazy so I probably won't be on until after my vaca. Love you all!!

Valentine's Day

So I got to spend part of Valentine's Day with my baby. We went for a "couple" personal training session this morning, yeah it sounds so fun doesn't it?? I do have to tell you that I have spaghetti legs right now, she worked us hard, but it was nice I feel great and my head is clear.

We exchanged presents today and I got the most beautiful presents, white roses and the most beautiful earrings in the world. He also gave me a card that made me cry. I am so happy to have him in my life. I am posting the picks to share with you all!! I love him so much it hurts!!

Up and Down

So okay I seem to overreact lately. I think something is so wrong and there is nothing wrong at all. My feelings have been justified and I'm happy.

I think with everything going on I just lose it sometimes. I've gone through a lot in the last year or so. And it took a good friend of mine to finally wake me up and see that. I had a really horrible divorce and along with a really horrible marriage. On top of that all he did was harass me which is never a fun thing to deal with. I finally came to the realization that everything has to take it's time in life. If you rush into something you are going to end up hurting yourself and the people around you. I guess I was just wishing for instant gratification on things that can't come as quickly as we would like, like love for instance. I know John is in love with me and I am in love with him too. It's a new kind of love, something I've never experience before in my life. I have a deeper understanding now than I did before.

There are people that take advantage of you, and those are the type of people that I used to associate myself with. Shit friends that were nice to your face and then three seconds later couldn't wait to tell the whole world your business. I can't deal with that and that is basically why I stick to my family, because if you can't trust anybody else you can trust your family. I mean everybody talks and bitches, but hey family is family they are there for life. I am very fortunate in my life to have the people that I do. My mother is a constant guide in my life, I go to her for advice all of the time, even when i don't listen to her. Because in the end as much as I hate to admit it she's right. She's been down my path before, married to an addict and divorcing him. I went through the same thing and through it all she was there for me as much as she was pissed off at me for even thinking about marrying him. I tried and it didn't work out, but it's alright you live and you learn right?

I've done a lot of learning in the past couple of months. I've developed into an adult, I think about my actions before I even act upon them. I am very aware of my surroundings, and I don't let people take advantage of me anymore. I think that is mostly due to John, he has shown me that there are real people that are there to care about you, like him. When we have our deep talks I love listening to him speak, it's amazing the knowledge he has about all sorts of things. He is truly an amazing person and that is one of the many reasons why I love him so much. He tells me that I deserve more than what I had before. And he is the reason why my life is so happy. I don't have to worry about drama. One thing is I never have to worry about his temper, he is so laid back, he doesn't flip out it's a really nice change.

But I think my constant oh shit I'm stupid moments are because I am afraid that I will lose John. Because he's the best thing that has happened to me in a long time, I am scared. I am scared of the relationship because I've never been in something so normal before in my life. I'm used to rushing into things and then things blowing up in my face. And this is nothing like that. He has helped me respect myself and love myself. I have never been able to do that before, I mean he tells me all the time how beautiful I am. That is so amazing to hear because I never used to hear that. That's why I keep saying he's an amazing man.

So Mexico is happening in a week, and I'm so freaking excited for it. This is my first real vacation in a very long time, geez since Nelson and I went to Las Vegas years ago. I am really excited because it will be the first really long stretch of alone time John and I will be having. And we are going to be in paradise, who could ask for anything more?? I am almost all set to go, but like the normal girly girl that I am I have to make sure that I have everything ready and planned. I bought a really sexy dress to wear for him along with a really cute bathing suit. I like to look good for him, I get myself all dolled up for him every time I see him.

But anyways off to bed because I think I've got a little virus and I want to nip it in the butt before anything major starts, I don't need to be getting sick right before Mexico, I will be one unhappy girl.

Night

So Tonight Is Not a Good Night

I don't know I'm in a foul mood. I have been in this mood since last night, I am just pissy. I don't know what the hell is wrong. The lines of communication in my relationship I don't believe are totally 100% going back and forth.

I am starting to think that maybe I fell to deeply to quick and it's all starting to surface that maybe my heart moved to fast. It hurts I am so freaking in love with this man, and as much as I know that he likes me a lot and is happy with me, I don't think that he is at that level. It really hurts me too because I have 100 percent fallen for him. I mean I know we are going away and we are going to be alone and a lot might come out then you, but I still don't think he's at my level. I just hope this doesn't lead down a one way street to nowhere, I will be totally pissed. I've put a lot into this relationship and had a lot of temptation and didn't do anything because in my heart it was "Take a chance Jessica." And that's exactly what I've done. I've told him time and time again that I'm not used to having an open breathing relationship where I have space to myself, and he used to say don't worry I'm not going anywhere.

But god damn it I'm scared. And I'm probably over analyzing again, but this is what happens when you take yourself off your meds because you can't afford them. All I have been is f***ing depressed the last couple of days. I basically bit his head off yesterday, but it wasn't about him. Maybe I should have just told him that I was upset at him. I don't want him to think that I'm only thinking about myself, see that's how much of a bleeding freaking heart I am. I'm afraid to open up in fear of others feelings. UGH! I'm never going to learn!!

Mexico Here I Come

So it's about 2 1/2 weeks away and I will be in Mexico...I'm so freaking excited it's not even funny. I am trying to get some major stuff done before hand. Like buying some new threads to take with me. My major dilemma right now is find a dress to bring down there so I can look all sexy for my baby.

Wednesday he came down and spent some time with me. I love when we get some alone time. He is just absolutely 100% wonderful to me. Constantly doing things for me and I'll say "Oh no you don't have to do that" and he says "you deserve it baby after all the assholes you've been with you deserve to be taken care of and treated wonderfully". It's just amazing what a real man can do. I don't want him to ever go anywhere he is truly special to me.

So last Saturday I got to meet his son Joey, what a cute kid he is. I was so nervous going into to it because you don't know how they are going to react towards you because it's Daddy's other "woman". It went very well, we went and picked him up at the Skateboard place that he goes to. What a little speed demon he is on his skateboard lol. He came up to me when John introduced me and he gave me a hug, it made all my nerves just leave. It's amazing how much of an impact kids have. I mean I was nervous John meeting Sophia but she loves him. A couple of weeks ago John took us out to eat and I had to go to Walmart to buy her diapers, so Sophia knew that we were going and looks at John with this cute face and says "John you wanna go to Walmart with me and Mommy" it was so cute!! Now what is even funnier is that Sophia looks at Walmart like it's freaking Disney World so many things for her to see and want lol. And then when we got home from Walmart she announced that the new "DDD" that she got she was watching in Mommy's room. So John and her and I came upstairs to my room and she asked for juice. Well when I got back they were both on my bed and Sophia looked at me and said "Mommy go da way" I was like and where am I supposed to go? "My room Mommy, John and me are watching Mittey Mouse" it was so freaking adorable. Sophia has never been more comfortable with someone before in her life. It's like a sigh of relief.

But anyways that's about all for now, I'm going to go lay down. I have a headache the size of Texas from my Wisdom Teeth trying to come in.

OK A LOT BETTER

So okay I'm a lot better than I was in my last post. A lot has changed, I've stopped overreacting like the dunce that I am lol. Everything was alright after all, he is alright that I am opening up about things, I just make big mountains out of molehills.

But I was pretty nervous that night, I mean I just didn't know how it was all going to turn out and I sometimes should put my foot in my mouth. But oh well cie la vie. But besides that nothing else is going on here, trying to get ready to go away with John at the end of the month. We are going away to Playa Del Carmen...so excited. So I'm trying to get everything straightened out before hand.

Well just a quick update!!