God, right now I am in the worst depressive day of my god damn life. I don't know what the hell happened from jubilee me to Ms. Grinch. See the doctor has been on Wellbutrin to help me quit smoking which it did and it is supposed to take the depression and anxiety away also. While I've quit smoking I still think about it everyday and today I could light the biggest cigarette up and not give a flying F**k. Let me tell you how today is going. I dropped Sophia off this morning with Nelson and he started the day by pissing me off, telling me that he couldn't stop thinking about me. That annoys the shit out of me since he is Melanie and she is a nice and sweet person and no woman or man deserves to be hurt like that. I tried to shake it off and made my way up to see my Honey. When I first got there it was fine, we talked and cuddled for quite a long time.
Somehow we got into the conversation, which seems to be the norm lately about his ex-wife. While it doesn't bother me since I know I bitch about Nelson and Michael a lot it in a way bothers me. I try to be a good listener and keep my mouth shut. Well I kind of made it very clear today that I thought she was a Pig...anybody that does what she did is a bleeping pig. Now the reason I'm so down in the dumps is that as all the readers know I have been in love with John for quite sometime. I think at first it was puppy love, but this has progressed more than puppy love, this love hurts and I can't understand the feeling. I have never felt this feeling before I don't know what the hell is wrong all I know is that I love him more than anything its so scary.
So I sent him a message telling him that I am sorry that I was such a sour sport, I haven't slept that well for like 3 days and that they reason for this is that I couldn't figure out how to tell him something and that I know that I might make him pissed at me but it's hurting me keeping it inside and not being able to let it out. Now he called a little while ago, but I was talking to my best friend, he had to talk me down from the ledge because I was ready to jump and say I can't do this anymore. The reason that I am beating myself up over this is because I promised John about 2 months ago that we would take it slow and I basically lied and let my emotions fly like they had been. Now I am afraid he won't reciprocate that and I will be hurt, and that could happen tonight. My best friend Ken says I just have to let caution to the wind and let down the steel wall that has a brick wall behind it and let John in even thought it's been baring my freaking soul. But I'm still afraid of him saying "I'm just not that in to you". I know this is so freaking stupid since we are going to Playa del Carmen at the end of February and these feelings couldn't have come at a worse time since we aren't really going to see each other until we go on vacation I mean like spending the night together or anything.
But anyways I'm going to go sulk because I'm an asshole.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Saturday, January 17, 2009
It's Been A Long Time
So I haven't been able to write in about a month because my computers hard drive decided to shit the bed at a very bad time, I lost all of Sophia's infant pictures and other really nice pictures. So I have to rebuild my collection from what other people have. Besides that everything is going really well. Christmas went very well, Sophia had a blast. I ended up having her for both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, which was big since Nelson usually has her on those days. We had a lot of fun together.
John and I are still together and going stronger than ever. He really makes me so happy and I do know from what he tells me that I make him happy in return. My cousin Amy had told me that if a guy is really into you he will tell you how he is feeling. Well thank god, he tells me how he is feeling all the time. Last Wednesday he swept me off of my feet, we were in my room just talking I had my head on his chest and he took my face into his hands and said "You are so beautiful" 2 times. I have never had anybody say it the way he did and mean it. And then he kept going, ah "My baby", that just makes me feel so good. And more exciting news were are planning our trip to Mexico for the end of February, I am so excited 5 days alone with my love it should be really fun. I am just really glad that I told a flying leap into mystery and went and met him that night in June, because it has all paid off in the end. He is such a handsome man, and so hard working. I brag about him all the time how I've never met anybody so excited about their work, he is so excited and it's so cool to listen to him. He owns a nursery in NY state, and it's just amazing, I can't even put it into work you all might think that I'm a dork because I think what my boyfriend does is interesting but I really do find it interesting. There is just something about this man that has had me hooked since day one and I'm telling you I don't want to let go besides Sophia he is my everything.
Besides that nothing really going on, work is going really good. Oh one big piece of news I quit smoking, now it's been about a week now, and the only way I was able to do it was that my primary care doctor had to put me on an antidepressant (I actually needed it for my mood swings besides the smoking cessation), but it worked about a 4 days after I started taking the medicine (the first day was horrible I felt like I was on a boat the whole day). I have noticed that I am a lot calmer now and don't get agitated that easily. The only thing that scares me is that I can't even get an ounce of mad, I want to feel the anger, I mean I get angry but not like it used to be it annoys me lol. But I think that is about it..I know it's been awhile so I wanted to update everybody!!
John and I are still together and going stronger than ever. He really makes me so happy and I do know from what he tells me that I make him happy in return. My cousin Amy had told me that if a guy is really into you he will tell you how he is feeling. Well thank god, he tells me how he is feeling all the time. Last Wednesday he swept me off of my feet, we were in my room just talking I had my head on his chest and he took my face into his hands and said "You are so beautiful" 2 times. I have never had anybody say it the way he did and mean it. And then he kept going, ah "My baby", that just makes me feel so good. And more exciting news were are planning our trip to Mexico for the end of February, I am so excited 5 days alone with my love it should be really fun. I am just really glad that I told a flying leap into mystery and went and met him that night in June, because it has all paid off in the end. He is such a handsome man, and so hard working. I brag about him all the time how I've never met anybody so excited about their work, he is so excited and it's so cool to listen to him. He owns a nursery in NY state, and it's just amazing, I can't even put it into work you all might think that I'm a dork because I think what my boyfriend does is interesting but I really do find it interesting. There is just something about this man that has had me hooked since day one and I'm telling you I don't want to let go besides Sophia he is my everything.
Besides that nothing really going on, work is going really good. Oh one big piece of news I quit smoking, now it's been about a week now, and the only way I was able to do it was that my primary care doctor had to put me on an antidepressant (I actually needed it for my mood swings besides the smoking cessation), but it worked about a 4 days after I started taking the medicine (the first day was horrible I felt like I was on a boat the whole day). I have noticed that I am a lot calmer now and don't get agitated that easily. The only thing that scares me is that I can't even get an ounce of mad, I want to feel the anger, I mean I get angry but not like it used to be it annoys me lol. But I think that is about it..I know it's been awhile so I wanted to update everybody!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
