IT'S OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So yesterday at 10:30 it was decreed that I was finally divorced! I was so happy I walked out of the courtroom with such a big smile on my face. After having to get on a stand (yeah like I was on trial lol) and telling the judge that I wanted nothing but my dignity and my maiden name back it was finally over. What a liberating experience, my ex-husband (it has such a beautiful ring to it :) ) didn't even show up for court, he had nothing to fight about since I got a lawyer involved. It was just so easy and I am so happy that it is finally over.

I am actually able to move on with my life and focus on the things important in my life which is my child, my family, and my job. When I walked out of that courthouse it was like a big big burden had been lifted off of my shoulders and I was finally free of all the drama. I am glad that it is finally over and I have definetly learned from this experience. I can't change anybody that isn't willing to change and no matter how much love you give someone if they aren't willing to change it's a lost cause. Sometimes drugs are the only thing they know to turn to. I am happy that I don't have to live with demons like that, I have my own and nothing that drastic. I know that I was very worried for nothing at all, but it is just that I know how he could get and I really didn't know what to expect. I mean I thought he was willing to change, he told me over and over again that he was going to get it right that god had sent me to him to change and he couldn't do it. But whatever I am over it, for awhile I was upset after I filed for divorce it was hard for me. There was about 2 to 3 weeks where I was depressed, never thought that I would find anybody else and that I was going to be stuck with this loser forever, that is what is seemed. I didn't file for divorce until May, I told him it was over in Feburary. It was more that I had to pick the pieces up of my life and start putting my twisted puzzle back together, some pieces had to be thrown away and new pieces were put in their place. I am not looking back on this experience as a mistake, I look at it as a learning experience. I just know that I can't save everybody as much as I want to and I can't have such a big heart because you get taken as a sucker. A big sucker, that is what I felt like when he took the drug dealing over me once again.

But as long as Sophia and me are together and I have my mom and my grandmother and the rest of my family I don't need him. My mother got me through all of this, even when I was being sued for full custody of Sophia, she was right by my side. I don't think that I would have ever been able to get through that without her and that's because she had been through it. And I see now why she was so pissed when she found out that I was getting married, because she had been down that road and didn't want me to have to experience the same heart ache and bullshit that she had to go through. But as always I had to figure it out myself, sometimes we just go do things on a whim and this was one of them. Although I am over it, I think that it is healthy to get it all out of your system, which is what I am doing. I'm listening to Ozzy Osbourne's song "Dreamer", and damn that is what this marriage was lol.. I don't ever know how I will ever repay my mother for her support through all of this, she means so damn much to me. My grandmother was there too, telling me I was stupid for being upset but in a way she was right he couldn't change for me, but it still hurt. I am not going to let people get me down anymore, I am going to do what makes me happy. And eventually I want to find real love, someone that loves me for me, that doesn't have a criminal record and is self sufficent. I can't deal with someone that can't hold a job, or is constantly thinking that I am going to take care of them. I want to be someone that has mutual love and understanding. I've learned a lot about love, I fell in love to quickly with my ex, I think it was more lust than anything. And it was the thrill of not getting caught together too, and once everybody knew it wasn't any fun anymore. Reality finally set in and everyday life caught up.

I feel very liberated by this whole experience, I think I have finally become an adult. I am a mother to a beautiful and wonderful child. I having a wonderful full time job, that I would change at all. And have friends that I can finally trust and we would do anything for eachother and finally I have my family, without them I would be nothing. I am just so glad to be rid of all of this and I can move on, find someone that is well suited for me and will love my daughter as much as I do and I can finally set goals and my dreams will finally come true. That is it, thank you all for listening :)